A Faith Journal

It’s odd how this 2nd Christmas without Chris has felt harder than the 1st. I would guess because the numbness that covered the 1st year has been loosening its grip on my head and heart. Don’t get me wrong, emotions and numbness are constants in grief and you never know which are going to be taking the wheel from moment to moment. Yet last Christmas, I would say numbness had the most control of me. I checked boxes, acted like my world was not completely upside down, and fooled myself that I could handle everything that comes with grief. This year though I have a different perspective. There’s no way you can handle everything grief throws at you, especially on your own. I’ve noticed that the new perspective I have on life is because my fixed balance point, Chris, is no longer fixed in my life. I tend to waver around now trying to find my new balance point. The checked boxes are important but not at the expense of my peace.
So when I asked God what he wanted me to do today, I was expecting to hear God say something about going to church or reading my Bible. Yet instead I heard go home and watch a Christmas movie. If that’s what you want God, but I’m not really feeling festive. As I was driving home, I decided to turn on the Christmas music channel to try to get in the right mood to watch a Christmas movie. I ended up just scanning through the channels and only pausing long enough to hear a few chords of the song playing. I got a taste of Christmas and I was not liking it.
When I got home and eventually turned on the TV, I didn’t have to search for a movie. It turned on right at the end of one and the beginning of another one. So I just left it there. The two main characters were writers with one also being an illustrator. Already I felt God was using the movie to speak to me. What was the message going to be though?
It didn’t take long to know what God wanted me to hear. You have to immerse yourself in the topic you want to study or write about. After hearing that, I didn’t pay much more attention to the movie. What is it that I need to immerse myself in? Faith? Christmas? Peace? This week, I guess it would be peace.
I got to thinking about Christmas’ past and the peace that came with them. Being around family and friends and sharing all the love and laughter we could handle (and then maybe a little more). So I spent the rest of the night peacefully enjoying the Christmas season. I didn’t check any boxes, act like everything was good or feel alone. God was reminding me that peace as He supplies it is simple and profound. No need for fluffing it to make it feel like something it’s not. I highly recommend finding a moment to sit in the peace that God wants to gift you this Christmas. It is worth the time and effort it may take to experience that peace, I promise.
Merry Christmas!